Body image
When I was young, less than 15 years old young, I had a monster metabolism. I could eat like mad and never gain any weight. At one point my mother considered having me tested to see if I was harboring a tape worm. It was that crazy. One day, everything changed and I started packing on the pounds with no effort at all. These new pounds were particularly attracted to my thighs, a trend that has continued.
Even when I was a tiny, skinny little thing, I was always worried about how I looked. When all the other girls started growing in all the appropriate places, I remained horrifyingly flat chested. At that age when I thought everyone was checking me daily to see if I had sprouted the necessary equipment, every day was another disappointment. Adolescence; has anyone lived through it unscathed? What was wrong with me and my stupid body?
I survived the savagery of adolescence, but I never lost the feeling that the world would be a better place if this body could be kept hidden. I inherited very thick arms from my mother and they become more wiggly by the day. My thighs are 98% cellulite, just as my mom's were. Calling me "thunder thighs" doesn't help. I want to keep this stuff covered all the time, but I live in Florida and I would drown in my own perspiration. Now I realize that I should have enjoyed my younger body more, and appreciated it for its elasticity and smooth surfaces. Hindsight is a bitch.
Does anyone else really, really hate getting into a bathing suit? I avoid bathing suits like the plague. My husband is always after me to get in the pool, but I won't; that's how bad this is.
I will end with a potential for victory. A friend invited me to go to the beach. My first inclination was to say no and offer no explanation. Just no. But, she is a good friend, so I shared the ugly truth about my ugly body, to which she replied, "Oh, for crying out loud, we all have cellulite and saggy skin." Yes, she's right. At our age, we all do have cellulite and saggy skin (unless we have enough money to fund massive plastic surgery). I will go to the beach, and I will try to remember that nobody but me gives a damn about my old wobbly skin. With any luck, I will be on this planet for some years. It would be wonderful to spend that time focused on more important things than my old body. I know I'm lucky to be alive, and to have friends who tell me when I'm being stupid.
Even when I was a tiny, skinny little thing, I was always worried about how I looked. When all the other girls started growing in all the appropriate places, I remained horrifyingly flat chested. At that age when I thought everyone was checking me daily to see if I had sprouted the necessary equipment, every day was another disappointment. Adolescence; has anyone lived through it unscathed? What was wrong with me and my stupid body?
I survived the savagery of adolescence, but I never lost the feeling that the world would be a better place if this body could be kept hidden. I inherited very thick arms from my mother and they become more wiggly by the day. My thighs are 98% cellulite, just as my mom's were. Calling me "thunder thighs" doesn't help. I want to keep this stuff covered all the time, but I live in Florida and I would drown in my own perspiration. Now I realize that I should have enjoyed my younger body more, and appreciated it for its elasticity and smooth surfaces. Hindsight is a bitch.
Does anyone else really, really hate getting into a bathing suit? I avoid bathing suits like the plague. My husband is always after me to get in the pool, but I won't; that's how bad this is.
I will end with a potential for victory. A friend invited me to go to the beach. My first inclination was to say no and offer no explanation. Just no. But, she is a good friend, so I shared the ugly truth about my ugly body, to which she replied, "Oh, for crying out loud, we all have cellulite and saggy skin." Yes, she's right. At our age, we all do have cellulite and saggy skin (unless we have enough money to fund massive plastic surgery). I will go to the beach, and I will try to remember that nobody but me gives a damn about my old wobbly skin. With any luck, I will be on this planet for some years. It would be wonderful to spend that time focused on more important things than my old body. I know I'm lucky to be alive, and to have friends who tell me when I'm being stupid.
Read aloud to my wife and she says this post is excellent.
ReplyDeleteMy thanks to you and Lynn for your continued support and encouragement.
DeleteI can relate! At 24 my legs and arms are covered in scars. At times I get insecure, and I used to never wear shorts or dresses. Now I try to see my skin as a map of my story. Most days I'm proud of my scars and society is slowly becoming more accepting. I wear shorts on pretty much every day off now! Embrace your victories and remember them the next time you want to hide yourself. Because you have a beautiful story to tell, and your body is the illustrations. ❤
ReplyDeleteWinter
Thank you, Winter! You are beautiful inside and out, and so very talented. I know you will continue to do great things, and I look forward to following your adventures and success stories.
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