Opposite of Calm

I am not, nor have I ever been, a calm person.  I am the opposite of calm.  I searched the Web for antonyms of calm; results include: frenzied, worked up, agitated, unnerved, restless, jittery, jumpy, troubled, uneasy, fearful, impatient, and Victoria McGlone (I made up that last one).  

How wonderful calm must be.  What would life be like if I didn't worry and stress from my waking moment and all throughout the day?  I think I've convinced myself that by worrying about something I am improving the chances of its success.  If I stress about getting to work on time, I WILL get to work on time. If I worry enough about my children, they WILL be healthy and happy.  My presentation WILL be amazing if I lose enough sleep over it.  Worrying about the amount of gas in the car WILL ensure that I never run out of gas.  Proof of this last one is that my husband, who never seems to worry about anything, ran out of gas, in a rainstorm, when there were no covered gas stations anywhere.  Part of me wanted to say, "See, I TOLD you we needed gas, but, NO, you weren't worried, were you?! Ha, ha."  But, I didn't say it.  I thought it, but I didn't say it.  After all, he was sopping wet, and it's not his fault that he doesn't worry.  And, enough of the bold capitals.  I know; I'm worried that I've used too many of them already.

My father was a worrier; I think that may be one of the reasons why he drank gin, beer, and bourbon...well, not all at the same time.  Except for when we went to the bar and he ordered a shot and a beer, but it was never a shot of gin, only bourbon.  But, I digress.  On my most stressful days at work, I would call my husband on my drive home and tell him to have my gin martini waiting for me.  He knows the drill: shake, shake, shake until those beautiful ice crystals appear on top of the lovely gin in my cocktail glass.  I like my gin martinis dirty, dry, and icy cold (if I was a bad person, I would add, "...just like my men...", but that would be wrong on countless levels, so just forget I wrote it).   I didn't start drinking until I went away to college and dated a fraternity guy.  Keg parties.  Enough said.  

As someone who has spent most of her life worried and stressed about everything and nothing, I understand why people drink and do drugs.  That stuff can make the world go away, at least for a while.  Of course, that stuff can make the user go away, too. But, when I am drinking my gin martini, I feel better for the moment.  I become calm...until I become someone else.  The calm isn't worth the dangers, but it sure feels good after a long, stressful day.  I understand why people become addicted.  It's great, and then it's horrible. 

You would think that I would be less stressed and worried since I retired in 2019.  Yes, I do worry less, but the true worrier can always find something about which to worry.  That's just what we do.  The best way to calm the heck down is to meditate; it isn't addictive and it's calorie-free.  I am grateful to Dr. Bill Kirby, the Professor of the Statistical Analysis course that was part of my PhD program, for convincing me to try meditation. When I'm not too busy worrying, I do meditate, and it does help.