Memory and Anxiety

I've noticed that my memory has been failing a bit over the last couple of years.  There are lots of reasons for this, I'm sure.  I'm getting older, which is certainly preferable to getting dead.  I'm no longer challenged by daily tasks that I faced in my career.   I was a librarian and an administrator at the college where I worked in the last twenty years of employment.  I retired two and a half years ago.  I have to say that I miss my colleagues, I miss the challenges and the laughter, the projects, the successes, and even the failures that never failed to teach me something.  

Between my retirement and the pandemic, my social interactions have diminished significantly.  That has been hard.  But, back to my memory concerns.  I discussed this with my primary care provider.  She encouraged me to have a "neurobehavioral status exam" to assess my knowledge, attention, memory, and assorted other brain related functions.  I admit I wasn't thrilled with this idea, but she stressed the value of establishing a baseline from which to move forward as I age.  I had to agree that this was worthwhile.  There is some history of dementia and mental illness in my family, so I worry. 

Speaking of worry; I am a champion worrier. I worry about my children, my husband, my friends, the weather, the traffic, being late, fixing dinner, filling the three bird feeders, cleaning the three bird baths, cleaning the house, getting old, waking up on time, the plants, the garden club, drinking too much, eating too much, how I look, blah, blah, blah.  I could go on, but I worry that you will get bored and annoyed.  

So, I scheduled the neurobehavioral status exam.  There were three separate sessions.  In the first, my husband accompanied me and we talked for about an hour with a neuropsychologist.  After our discussion of my and my husband's concerns, she explained that the next appointment would consist of some tests to measure my medical, neurological, and psychological acuity.  (As I am writing this, I have struggled to find the right words, and I finally found "acuity by looking up various synonyms for words that I thought were close to the word I wanted.  Words have always come to me easily; I was an academic librarian and I have a B.A. in English Literature, an M.S. in Information Studies, and a PhD in Education...and now I can't find words.  It worries me.)

The neurobehavioral exam was exhausting.  I won't go into detail, but there were a lot of memory tests involving shapes, numbers (ACK!!! I have severe math phobia), words, concepts, etc.  It lasted about 3 hours.  When my husband picked me up, he was kind enough to take me out for brunch at which point I downed two mimosas fairly quickly.   

We went for the results and recommendations appointment a week after the mimosas, I mean the exams (haha, priorities...).  I scored average for someone my age in just about every category.  This alone was distressing!!!  For God's sake, I am above average!  I was an A student, dammit!!!  But, the worst was yet to come: I scored below average for someone my age in a few categories.  The neuropsychologist said that she believed that I have high anxiety (no, sadly, not the Mel Brooks movie) and it affects every aspect of my life, but particularly my ability to react and remember.  

In a previous post, I mentioned that I have actually lost the ability to speak when I am particularly anxious.  It has happened a few times, but always when I feel overwhelmed and worried that I am incapable of doing what is needed.  That sort of anxiety has been disabling.  The neuropsychologist gave me a list of recommendations including ongoing neurological and medical consultation.  She listed some very practical and achievable steps moving forward.  

Yeah, this is pretty depressing stuff, but I think it helps to know what's going on and how to move forward.  I'm glad I had the evaluation, and I'm anxious (haha) to take the next steps.  My life is zooming on by.  I want it to be as good and as memorable as it can be.  I owe this to my loved ones and to myself.  Onward!